Ask Dr. Crain

Dear Dr. Crain,

My husband is twenty years older than me and recently pulled his back out at the gym by forgetting his limitations and taking on more than he should. Over the last two years, he has had many illnesses and injuries. After reading your book, If you Want an Egg Roll, Get out of the Pizzeria, I would classify him as a specialty shop because he has always been independent and goal-oriented. Lately, it feels like his store is pretty much always closed to my needs. I’m tired of his aching back and age being an excuse.

We are now almost into February and I’ve been asking him to write holiday thank you cards for weeks. It feels like so much of his attention goes towards maintaining himself and he has yet to do what I have requested of him. I still work and he is retired, and this feels like just another example of his selfishness.

I wish I were more understanding to his needs, however, I have needs too. It frustrates me that he puts watching television and going to the gym to stretch above my requested needs, yet I also feel guilty for being demanding and frustrated when he is doing what makes him happy.

Would you be able to give me some friendly advice before I blow up?

Sincerely,
Needing Answers and a Vacation

Dear Needing Answers and a Vacation,

Acknowledge that your relationship is changing and refocus your energies on enjoying each other’s company. It is difficult to live with anyone, especially if they are injured or ill and needing extra support. It may be time to reprioritize and adjust your list of expectations. You might even need to write a new list, one that offers more opportunity for satisfaction in the relationship.

The future is always uncertain, so adjust your thinking to focus on the present. A recent experiment I tried myself involved switching the wrist I wear my watch. The visual cue, though disorienting at first, can be an effective reminder to look at your situation differently from a new perspective. This exercise allows you to think of possibilities and not limit yourself to habits and thoughts of the past. You can read more about my own experience by reading my latest blog entry: Changing Perspective.

Dr. Crain